Naturally, this is meant for comedy purposes only. If you get offended by anything, that's your problem and we don't want to hear it
Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
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BigPete33
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Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Humour is a wonderful thing, so let's have at it! Tell us your best jokes and funny stories!
Naturally, this is meant for comedy purposes only. If you get offended by anything, that's your problem and we don't want to hear it
Naturally, this is meant for comedy purposes only. If you get offended by anything, that's your problem and we don't want to hear it
Pardon me, but I think you'll find that's a shovel. See you next Tuesday!
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David
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
In saying that - if it does cross the line, it WILL be deleted..
Hi, my name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me.
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David
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Mateship between Women...
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day, she told her husband she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends- none of them knew anything about it...
Mateship between Men...
A man didn't come home one night. The next day, he told his wife he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends- 8 of them confirmed that he had indeed slept over, & the other 2 claimed he was still there...
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day, she told her husband she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends- none of them knew anything about it...
Mateship between Men...
A man didn't come home one night. The next day, he told his wife he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends- 8 of them confirmed that he had indeed slept over, & the other 2 claimed he was still there...
Hi, my name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me.
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BigPete33
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
DIFFERENT WAYS OF INTERPRETING THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
--------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
--------
"Mr.Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself."
--------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside,
and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
--------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
--------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
--------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
--------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years
and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
--------
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
--------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
--------
"Mr.Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself."
--------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside,
and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
--------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
--------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
--------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
--------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
--------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
--------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years
and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
--------
Pardon me, but I think you'll find that's a shovel. See you next Tuesday!
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David
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Big Pete is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Big Pete explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I
am wearing panties!''
Big Pete smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast....can I buy you a drink?"
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Big Pete explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I
am wearing panties!''
Big Pete smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast....can I buy you a drink?"
Hi, my name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me.
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BigPete33
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
LOL
thanks Dave
thanks Dave
Pardon me, but I think you'll find that's a shovel. See you next Tuesday!
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BigPete33
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Mrs. O'Malley went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said: 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked: 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
Mrs. O'Malley replied calmly: 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes almost popped as he exclaimed: 'Lord have mercy, Mrs. O'Malley! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
Mrs. O'Malley reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: 'Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription’ .
The pharmacist asked: 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
Mrs. O'Malley replied calmly: 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes almost popped as he exclaimed: 'Lord have mercy, Mrs. O'Malley! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
Mrs. O'Malley reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: 'Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription’ .
Pardon me, but I think you'll find that's a shovel. See you next Tuesday!
-
BigPete33
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would
Depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: Polish Remover.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would
Depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: Polish Remover.
Pardon me, but I think you'll find that's a shovel. See you next Tuesday!
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Luke05(Jamo)
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
David wrote:Mateship between Women...
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day, she told her husband she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends- none of them knew anything about it...
Mateship between Men...
A man didn't come home one night. The next day, he told his wife he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends- 8 of them confirmed that he had indeed slept over, & the other 2 claimed he was still there...
lol and ture
What do you mean, thats unrelated!
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Origami
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Re: Jokes - post the funny stuff here!
Polish remover. = 
pete's watch ==
advice to Pete --- JD cans only work on country girls
pete's watch ==
advice to Pete --- JD cans only work on country girls
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