Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[BigPete33]

I played in the HFL for 6 years...no need to tell me

[Ondie J]

So let's go play some poker in the country then!

[Des]

Drop Jacks, Add Jim and Des is in!

I'm a poet and didnt know it?

[Scotty]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man
with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.


She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"





So I told her to fuck off.

[Scotty]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last
Confession, here is my sin: I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as Well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
And I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

[bennymacca]

bored after playing poker against garth, here is come funny crap

Got a good one for ya

go to http://www.google.com.au

type in "find chuck norris" but dont press enter,

click on im feeling lucky







Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

1) When Chuck norris jumps into a body of water, he doesnt get wet - the water gets chuck.


2) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

3) Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

4) Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.


5) Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


6) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

7) If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fu*king beef

8) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.


9) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."


10) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

11) Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result

12) Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

13) Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

14) Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

15) The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

16) The most honourable death a man can endure is taking a bullet for chuck norris. This amuses Chuck as he is bullet proof.


17) The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

18) The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

19) Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing.


20) Pray that Chuck Norris never decides to look directly at the sun. It's a stare down contest and the sun will lose, casting a perpetual night upon us all.

[Scotty]

Give that man a beer for the "Find Chuck Norris" portion of his post. Pure gold my friend!

[Garth Kay]

Mr CBD will love that one. He lives on Chuck Norris jokes.

[BigPete33]

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch - he decides what the time is!

[Scotty]

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.