Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[gundog]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the five dollar notes in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day.

[Finno]

Mike was attending his 4WD club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4WD friends Mike left to go back home to his wife. When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals. "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?" "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!" When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want." So here I am!

[AceLosesKing]

Gold

[Bob B]

Gold Plus one

[Finno]

Beer Test

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.

[Bob B]

Unfortunately there isn't a picture and the forum is protecting me from showing the correct word.So, where it says CARP replace it with S H I T.

I never realised there were so many ways of using this SIMPLE BOWEL MOVEMENT!!!



THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's carp. That's right, carp!
carp may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke carp, buy carp, sell carp, lose carp, find carp, forget carp, and tell others to eat carp, or just don't give a carp.


Some people know their carp, while others can't tell the difference between carp and shineola.

There are lucky carp, dumb carp, and crazy carp. There is carp, carp, and carp.
You can throw carp, sling carp, catch carp, shoot the carp, or duck when the carp hits the fan.

You can give a carp or serve carp on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep carp or be happier than a pig in carp.

Some days are colder than carp, some days are hotter than carp, and some days are just plain carp.

Some music sounds like carp, things can look like carp, and there are times when you feel like carp.

Some people have carp for brains, others carp on the liver.

You can have too much carp, not enough carp, the right carp, the wrong carp or a lot of weird carp.

You can carry carp, have a mountain of carp, or find yourself up carp creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to carp and other times you fall in a bucket of carp and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your carp, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a carp; or not do so if you don't give a carp!

Well carp, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a carp and hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of carp. But, if you happen to catch a load of carp from some carp-head............

Well, carp Happens!!!

_________________
Remember, It takes 8 muscles to smile and 40 to frown

[Finno]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab
tests, she said I was doing "fairly well" for my age (now over 60).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

She asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied.

"I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much -- my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

She asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

She looked at me and said,...

"Then, why do you even give a shit???"

[bennymacca]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
After which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
Walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
And slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[rcon]

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Australia some day.

Both of her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,

"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[bennymacca]

lol nice rcon.


one i heard the other day


bloke: "honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"
to which his wife replied "i would take half and leave you"

bloke: "well we won 12 bucks today, here is 6 and f*ck off"